Ronald: Edna! Isn't dinner ready yet? Timmy's almost done with his scavenger hunt!
Edna: That scavenger hunt is the only reason I'm even here, Ronald. I've got a lot of legwork to do before my nine o'clock meeting so I can't have little Timmy and his friends underfoot for the next fifteen minutes! Ronald! Isn't that God Damn turkey done yet?
Ronald: Frankly, Edna, I don't care about your nine o'clock meeting. It's thanksgiving for God's sake. Can't we just be a family for once in our lives? You're clawing your way to the top so fast you can't even stop to smell the flowers that are right under your nose! And anyway you lost your chance to eat thanksgiving dinner with Timmy forever last week when his digestive tract was eaten by the neighbors' dog. You were supposed to be taking care of him, Edna. [sob]
Edna: Ronald, I'm sorry. It's just that Things Have Been Very Hard for me at the office and I have to set some Priorities. [concerned] You know I care about little Timmy and I care about you. [vicious] But I also care about the Stevenson merger report that was supposed to be finished yesterday and now I have to fax it to Topeka before nine and I just don't have time to sit down and eat a big turkey dinner with all our relatives! Where are they, anyway? Why are your parents always so late to everything?
Ronald: They're not late, Edna, they're dead. They died three years ago and you don't even remember!!! [more tears]
Doctor [entering]: Timmy's here, Mr. Carp.
Ronald: Thank you Doctor. Just wheel his life-support machine into the corner over there by the nuclear waste bin.
Doctor: Mrs. Carp?
Edna: Yes? Excuse me, I don't think we've met.
Ronald [furiously]: Edna!
Doctor: My name is Doctor Echelon. I'm a specialist in exploding legs syndrome which little Timmy has had for the last three years. I think you should be aware, Mrs. Carp, that Timmy's legs -- what's left of them -- could explode at any moment.
Edna: Who do you think I am, Mr. Effelump? Do you think I'm just going to sit here and listen to some quack tell me some medical mumbo-jumbo about exploding legs. You're talking about my son, Mr. Effelump. I don't have time for this! I want a second opinion!
Doctor: Any leg doctor can see that you're not sitting, Mrs. Carp. You're standing. And if you intend to continue speaking to me in a manner that rudely disregards the months of consultation we've been through, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you alone with you so-called "family". In the meantime I suggest you get marriage counselling. It's cheaper than law school! [starts to storm out]
[crash]
Doctor: Oof!
Ronald: Oh no!
Edna [aside]: I told you he was a quack.
Doctor [frantic]: I appear to have tripped over little Timmy's power cord ... which appears to have severed it ... Quick! Get me an extension cord!
Ronald: Edna! Get an extension cord!
Edna: Don't look at me, Ronald! I brought the last one to the office two weeks ago!
Ronald: OH NO!!!!!
Doctor: Clear the area! We've got a live explosive here! I'm going to call for help! [runs out]
Ronald: Look what you've done to thanksgiving Edna! Well if we are going to blow up I've got one thing to say to you. I never really loved you, Edna. I was only interested in you because you were so successful. But now I've seen how empty your little world is, I'd be thankful if we all went down together!
Edna: You're crazy! Get under the couch!
Doctor [running back in]: I found a power cord in the hall closet attached to this marital aid! Now let's see ...
Ronald: Well gosh, I haven't seen that thing since 1978.
Doctor: Oh wait a second. False alarm, guys. I tripped over the power cord to your toaster. Whew! Well, I gotta go. Have a nice thanksgiving you two. [pause] Where's your wife, Mr. Carp?
Ronald: She's under the couch, Dr. Echelon.
Doctor: You know, the families of people with ELS are sometimes as endangered as the patients themselves, and it was prudent thinking on your wife's part to take cover. You know, a little woman's intuition never ... [etc]
Edna: Get out of my house, you pig!
Ronald: You know if there's one person I've gotta thank it's you, Doctor. Thanks to you little Timmy's gonna survive -- albeit in a coma -- through another holiday.
Doctor: Just doin' my job. Goodbye [leaves]
Ronald: Pile into the car, Edna! We're headed for Turkey Hut!