Duck Hunting with Ronald and Edna
Airingk on WEFT Champaign 90.1 FM 12/18/95. Ze furzeur adventeurs of zat 90's kind of cupple as zey leurn painful facts abaut each ozer's marksmanship and criminal records.
V.O. [deeper voice] Paid for by the U.S. Army.
V.O. [nerdy] And now back to episode thirty-two of Duck Hunting with Ronald and Edna.
Edna: Ronald! I never should have come on this hunting trip with you! My cellular phone hasn't worked for the last three miles and honestly I don't think there's a duck in this entire National Wildlife Conservation Area!
Ronald: Don't you understand, Edna! This isn't just about ducks. It's about us. It's about us doing something together for a change. Or have you forgotten what that is anymore Edna, have you been schmoozing with General Dynamics execs so long that all you think I am is an obstacle to your success?
Edna: Get out of my way, Ronald!
Ronald: No, Edna. I'm not going to get out of your way anymore. I'm sick of it. I've got a son to take care of, Edna. He's your son, too. Or have you forgotten. Little Timmy was on the brink of death just two weeks ago, and now he's going to be in the olympics. It was on the national news, Edna. But you didn't notice. Because all you watch is C-Span and the Financial Propoganda Channel!
Edna: You're in my way, Ronald! Move!
Ronald: Aren't you listening to me, Edna. The only way we ever seem to get to really talk anymore is by fax machine!
Edna [gruffly]: Ronald, can't you can the melodrama for long enough for me to get a word in edgewise one of these months? There's a duck, Ronald. I actually saw a duck and if you'd just get out of the way I might be able to line up a good shot!
Ronald: Edna I'm so sorry how could I have been so inconsiderate.
Edna [gruffly]: Ronald, I'm trying to be a good sport about this so the least you could do is notice that I'm doing it. Do you think I enjoy wading through swamps in non-airconditioned weather without my PC? Now stand back I'm going to shoot this duck. I mean someone's gotta do it, right?
[gunshot]
Timmy [from a distance]: Mommy, daddy, my kite blew up!
Edna: Timmy! What are you doing?
Timmy [arriving]: I was flying my new duck kite and it blew up! Isn't that cool?
Edna: Ronald, did you buy Timmy this dangerous exploding kite with a picture of a duck on it?
Ronald: Edna, can't you see what just happened?
Edna: [realizing] Oh no. [whisper to Ronald] What are we going to tell Timmy?
Ronald: [whisper] I think he should know the truth -- that you shot his brand-new kite, blowing it into smithereens!
Edna: That's just like you Ronald -- blaming everything on me.
Ronald: But it's the truth Edna. Or is the truth less important to you than making sure you're squeaky-clean enough to weasel your way to the top of every hierarchy you can get your grubby hands on!?
Edna: Ronald! Not in front of Timmy!
Ronald: Oh, now you care about Timmy. [police siren] Now that you can --
Policeman: Excuse me. Are you individuals cognizant of any information relating to the gunshot that was heard in this area at a time subsequent to the present moment?
Ronald: I don't know what you're talking about officer.
Policeman: I think you may want to just run back in your mind to a recent gun shot and try to reconstruct where you might have heard it. Are you aware that this is a National Wildlife Conservation Area.
Edna: He did it! It was his idea!
Policeman: Are you currently in possesion of a license to operate a smoking gun.
Edna: License? You never said anything about a license, Ronald!
Policeman: We are going to have to place you individuals under arrest. Including your child, ma'am.
V.O. We'll be back to Ronald and Edna's adventures after these multimedia virtual reality nightmares shock you into complying with the system. The system. Comply or else!
Where goingk? To Schneertz or bust!